SIMPLE TRUTH: In any relationship, couples may find themselves in situations where one spouse does something they shouldn't have done or fails to do something they should have done. Such everyday problems can arise due to miscommunication, unresolved disagreements, infidelity, or the inability to achieve emotional closeness.

In such cases, our bitterness towards the offender can become all-consuming, and it can be challenging to move past the pain. Simply separating from the offender is not enough to break this cycle - true healing and freedom can only come through forgiveness. When prompt apologies and forgiveness do not heal wrongs, a couple may drift apart, experience relationship deterioration, and perhaps be in danger of dissolution.

THE MOST WITH FORGIVENESS:

Forgiveness is a must in healthy, long-term marriages. It is a process, not an event. It's an attitude of wanting to partner with your spouse despite their imperfections and irritations. For most of us, marriage or relationship is a series of surprises, one of which is how frequently we need to forgive and be forgiven.

Forgiveness is not condoning, which overlooks the wrong as if no harm was intended or done, and finding ways to heal in the process the pain inflicted where infidelity, abuse, etc.

The question is, "If someone has offended me, shouldn't I wait until they ask my forgiveness before I forgive them? This may never happen because often a spouse will view an offence differently. Forgiveness is essential in maintaining a healthy and long-lasting marriage. The attitude of forgiveness can set you free. Starting the process :

1. Acknowledge or identify your hurt:

Working through pain can only happen once you admit you've been hurt. Acknowledging this can intensify the feelings. Don't numb yourself or "stuff" the emotion down, as that cuts off the process of forgiving others before it's even begun. Allow yourself to feel: It's essential to acknowledge and accept your pain instead of suppressing or denying it. Permit yourself to experience the emotions that come with it. Start by pinpointing the source of your hurt. Was

it what was said, how, or what was done?

2. Consider your hurtful emotions:

What are you feeling? Is it sadness, grief, anger, pity, or loneliness? Or is it something deeper like hate, disgust, jealousy, or depression? The hurt may strike more than one chord in your heartstrings, but you must recognise your feelings toward it to eliminate it. Identify and understand your pain: Reflect on the specific experiences or situations that caused your pain.

Try to gain a deeper understanding of how they have affected you physically, emotionally, and mentally. "consider" is critical here because it involves thinking before deciding. Before you decide whether to forgive this person, consider the negative feelings you've acquired since the incident. How has the pain changed you?

3. Forgive yourself and let go:

Forgiveness starts from within. Accept that you cannot change the past. No matter how much you wish this pain could be reversed, it's time to admit that your anger toward the person won't redeem what they have done. Therefore, you must forgive yourself sincerely from your heart. Analysing the issue repeatedly, throwing blame here and there, is not essential to your healing. Be angry, grief shout, etc.; It is only after this step that you must thoughtfully consider whether or not you want to forgive. It's a choice.

4. Breathe in Compassion:

Live in the present. Do not take things personally. Let go of your expectations. Let compassion flow, one breath at a time. First, with yourself, then for the person who hurt you. It would be best to look at things from different perspectives with a person's motivations, emotions, and circumstances. Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings or mistakes related to the pain.

5. Be grateful, honest, and transparent to yourself ( Inner truth):

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways to empower personal growth, both for the forgiver and the forgiver. You're also empowered to transfer that positive energy to the other person and the people around you so that they can become better versions of themselves. Do not be self-centered at this stage. There is always a better version of the experiences we go through.

Refuse to focus on the negative aspects of the hurts, disappointments, pain, and heartaches you have gone through.

6. Process / Talk it over:

Do not wear the coat of indifference, saying, "I am calm. Do not worry; I am okay. Time will heal my wounds. It is not necessary, etc". Be very honest, vocal, plain, and straightforward about how you feel. Let your spouse understand your feelings in plain language if this is possible. Express your emotions: Find healthy ways to express your feelings associated with the pain. This could include talking to a trusted friend or family member, writing in a journal, or engaging in creative outlets like art or music.

It can provide guidance, empathy, and validation. Sharing your pain with others can help you feel less alone and receive support. Understand that by voicing out, one way or the other, you are also helping yourself immensely.

All that happened is needed in this spotlight of "Process" ‘Everyone’s pain is unique, and finding strategies that work best for you is essential. If your pain persists or becomes overwhelming, consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor who can provide specialised guidance.

7. Love again with wisdom, understanding and do not easily forget the lessons learnt:

Forgiveness lets you love again. Learn and grow. Once you forgive, your heart is full of love. You are more vital if you love yourself and love others, no matter the magnitude of their shortcomings or transgressions. Continue to practice self-care: Take care of your physical and mental well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and comfort. This can include exercise, meditation, reading, or hobbies. Work on yourself to love again.

8 The test

It's not about forgetting the pain but letting go of it to move on. It's like grief, and it’s a healing process. The question is, should you meet the offender either face to face or at a distance contact? How you respond determines how well you are dealing with and healing from the process.

Forgiveness is of great importance in our lives for several reasons.

1. For emotional healing

2. Restoration of relationships

3. Personal growth and employment 

4. Spiritual and moral growth 

5. Freedom from the past

It is a transformative act that allows us to release the burden of hurt and embrace a more positive and fulfilling life.

By: Abigail Borquaye @ Healing Wings support.