When a Man Says, “She Doesn’t Respect Me,” Could He Really Be Asking to Be...?

And there is one statement I have heard from men again and again: “She doesn’t respect me.” 

Respect.

That word comes up so often in conversations about relationships, particularly from men, that some years ago I became curious about what it actually meant.

Because when someone says, “My wife doesn’t respect me,” my next question is: What does respect look like to you?

I believe respect in a healthy relationship should be mutual. It cannot simply mean that one person gives and the other receives. So I started paying closer attention. I asked questions. I listened to clients, including men who were unhappy in their relationships and men who had been unfaithful. I wanted to understand what was underneath this desire for “respect.” And after years of listening, I came to an interesting conclusion.

Sometimes, when a man says he wants respect, what he may also be asking for is something much softer: he wants to be pampered.

Yes, I said it.

Men like to be pampered too.

Now, when I say “pampered,” I don't mean treating a grown man like a child or indulging unhealthy behaviour. I mean something emotionally deeper.

He wants to feel appreciated.

He wants affection.

He wants to hear, “You did well.”

He wants his efforts to be noticed.

He wants you to make a little fuss over him sometimes.

He wants to feel that you are proud of him.

He wants to feel important in your eyes.

He wants to know that the woman he loves still admires him.

In other words, sometimes what is described as a need for “respect” may include a very human need for affirmation, appreciation, affection and validation.

And perhaps one reason this becomes complicated in relationships is that women often want many of those very same things. Many women enter relationships longing to feel cared for, protected, cherished and emotionally held. There is often a little “daddy’s girl” somewhere inside; the part that wants her man to look after her, spoil her occasionally, show affection and make her feel special.

So imagine what happens when two people are standing opposite each other, silently asking for similar things.

She is thinking: “Why don't you make me feel special anymore?”

And he is thinking: “Why don't you appreciate me anymore?”

She wants to be cherished; he wants to be admired.

She wants affection; he wants affection too.

She wants reassurance. And, although he may use different language for it, he may want reassurance too.

The problem is that some men find it incredibly difficult to say this plainly. It can feel much easier to say, “You don't respect me,” than to say:

“I want you to notice me.”

“I want you to appreciate what I do.”

“I want you to tell me you're proud of me.”

“I want you to make me feel special sometimes.”

“I want to be pampered too.”

For some men, admitting those needs can feel too vulnerable. So the language becomes “respect,” when underneath it there may also be a longing for tenderness and affirmation. This became particularly interesting to me in conversations with men who had been involved in affairs. When I asked what felt different about the other relationship, I repeatedly heard descriptions that had less to do with anything extraordinary and more to do with how the man felt in that person's presence.

“She appreciates me.”

“She notices what I do.”

“She compliments me.”

“She makes me feel important.”

“She gets excited about me.”

“She makes a big deal out of the little things.”

Of course, none of this excuses infidelity. An affair is still a choice, and unmet emotional needs do not remove personal responsibility. But if we are trying to understand relationships rather than simply judge their outcomes, there is something worth paying attention to here. Sometimes people don't go searching only for another person. They go searching for another feeling. The feeling of being wanted, admired, appreciated, significant to someone again, and that brings me back to this word: pampering.

After years of asking what men mean when they talk about wanting respect, it is the simplest word I have found for part of what I have been hearing.

Men want tenderness too.

Men want affirmation too.

Men want to feel special too.

They may not always ask for it in those words. They may package it as respect, admiration, loyalty or appreciation. But somewhere underneath all of that may be a very simple human desire: “Make me feel that I matter to you.”

So, ladies, perhaps there is something here worth experimenting with. Pamper your man a little. Notice something he did and genuinely appreciate it. Compliment him when you mean it. Celebrate his little wins. Put your arms around him for no particular reason. Tell him you're proud of him. Let him see that his presence still means something to you.

And gentlemen, there is another side to this conversation too. If this is what you need, learn to communicate it. Don't expect your partner to translate the word “respect” into needs you have never expressed. Vulnerability is not weakness. Sometimes saying, “I need a little more appreciation and affection from you,” can take a relationship much further than saying, “You don't respect me.”

And, of course, the same principle goes both ways. Because perhaps one of the great misunderstandings in relationships is that we become so focused on receiving love in the way we need it that we forget the person beside us is also waiting to be loved in the way they need it.

Maybe both people need a little pampering.

So the next time a man says, “She doesn't respect me,” perhaps there is another question worth asking: “When you say respect, what are you really longing to feel?” The answer might surprise you.

Abigail Borquaye
Founder, Healing Wings Support